Monday, July 18, 2011

In which I really, truly face some fears.

Changes are afoot. I'm a big believer in the power of the jinx, so I won't go into any details, but: life as we know it could be dramatically different in a short while - in a good way.

I like to think of myself as a laid-back gal with a propensity for excessive enthusiasm. In my mind, I'm not a worrier; I don't obsess over minutiae; I handle the valleys of life with grace and calmness. In reality, though, I'm a bit of a tornado of emotions. I am trying so, so hard to take the relaxed road in the face of this change. This approach fits my mental view of myself, but my actual self? She's freaking out a little bit. She doesn't like risk. She doesn't like change - unless it is fully self-directed and can be called to a halt at a moment's notice. She doesn't like putting it all out there and being at someone else's mercy.

But really, this kind of change is good. It's teaching me that it's ok to ask for help, that it's ok to be scared, that even if I can't control every aspect of it, I can control those aspects over which I have control. And so I fall back on a prayer that, though adopted by 12-step programs, was written by a theologian in the early 1940s and distributed to US army chaplains:. Even though I don't ever get into religious beliefs in any format - verbal, blog-al or otherwise - this one? It's a good one.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

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